Hopeful...

"Hey is this seat taken?"

"Nope, go ahead"

"Thanks. By the way my name is..."

 

That's how it began.

 

Fast forward 10 years...

 

"I am amazed that you keep on trying, making the effort. If it were me, I would not have bothered at all."

"What the heck are you saying? You've got your life, I've got mine but at the end of the day, you're you and I am me and that's all that matters right...why should it be a problem? We've always been there for each other when it mattered so picking up where we left off should be a breeze; its always been, right?"

"Yeah, but like I said, I wouldn't have bothered."

 

Being hopeful by nature, I shrugged it off...life's happened, things have changed, yet nothing's changed between us. Things are exactly the same as they always were.

 

A year later, on one of the most memorable days of our lives, when we should have been celebrating together, you pushed me away, literally. It hurt cause I could not understand why you didn't respond to my excitement of locating you in a hall of almost 600 strangers but I bit back the tears. It was our happy day.  Maybe you were not too happy that I may have messed up your nicely set outfit with my over enthusiastic hug. Nevertheless I still clapped and cheered when it was your turn to take the stage; still hopeful that we'd have fun after. Later, I realised you had left; I was never a part of the plan.

 

Being hopeful by nature, I shrugged it off...something must have come up.

 

Sporadic  texts, calls, emails, but more often than not, they would go unanswered...I don't hold it against you...you've got a life, I've got mine, you'll respond. I know, silly me, still hopeful by nature.

 

Being hopeful is what makes me me. Its my 'B+/ Why not?'  that keeps me going. Its one of the things you loved about me.

 

"Its OK, maybe next time. Yeah, things are crazy these days."

Excuse after excuse, the awkward silence but I was hopeful that 'next time' would happen.

 

From being among the first to know, I would find out with an update on your FB status; and even then, by chance, cause another would tag or mention you in theirs. I would reach out, only to realise that I was merely part of the peripheral...I no longer had a place in your inner circle.

 

These words would come back and nudge me out of my hopeful state.

 

"I am amazed that you kept on trying. If it were me, I would not have bothered at all."

 

I'd just shrug them away.

 

Yes, I was being silly, I was being blind. I did not want to see it...yes,  I was being too hopeful. Yes, I did not want to accept that I no longer mattered to you as much as you have always mattered to me. Simple. Life happened and we had grown apart. The friendship was dead. We are now 'acquintances'. There are many other things in your life, and I was no longer present in yours; I only exist in the past.

 

Every year, I resolve to do 2 things I have never done before ( a firm believer of  'underpromise, over achieve/deliver'). Never imagined that one of the many things I have done this year would include grieving and accepting the end of a friendship.

 

There are friendships and THERE ARE FRIENDSHIPS...yes, I've been in 'mourning' over the death of one. I went through all the phases of anger, melancholy, the what-ifs, the how-dare-you...yes, I went through all of them. I used to wonder if you realised that I had left the room. Yup, used to. Now I will always hope that all is, and will be, well with you in whatever you do. In my heart, there will always be a place for you.

 

(Apparently, the loss of a dear friend is one of the most painful things in a woman's life, and yes, this woman can attest to that.)

My Best Friends & I
by Karen L. Schenk

Throughout the years
I have had many different girls and women as my best friends.
They have all been very different from each other.
Yet somehow they have all been similar.
They had characteristics that blended with mine.
They were kindred spirits with me –
they were truly the soulmates of my life.
Together, these best friends and I
have laughed, cared, talked, listened, and cried.
Together we played, worked, and dreamed.
Such special friends were they, that at times,
we enjoyed doing nothing together.
Years have gone by
and I sometimes wonder
where they have all gone.
Some have moved.
Some developed different interests.
These were friends whom I once thought
I could never live without.

The best friends of my life
have had an integral part
in me becoming who I am today.
They brought out the best and the worst in me.
They loved me enough to confront, to challenge and to console.
They encouraged me in my strengths and
helped me overcome my weaknesses.

Though I know not where they live,
I have discovered where they all left something for me.
It is a room — a delightful room which lies within my heart.
It is one of my most favorite places.
I go there when I am lonely, sad
or when I want to remember… and be with
the treasured golden memories
the best friends of my life left for me.
Forever — my friends will be a part of me
as I hold onto and cherish them
in that special room in my heart